I am living in my body. I know that now. My brother was sick while we were away and I found my throat getting scratchy at night the last few days. And since we have been back I feel a cold coming on. Yet this time it’s different, instead of just being in my head about it I have been asking questions. Why is my throat scratchy? And noticing it’s only on one side, the left hand side, the crucible side. Most things for me are on the left side of my body, funny.
I didn’t sleep well last night, my throat was bothering me, so I took many breaths, air breaths, I felt I needed to create some space for my body to do what it needs to, to not get caught up in the whole dance about being sick over the holidays. What is my body trying to tell me? What am I trying to shed, to process? Interesting word to shed. I get the image of myself hoping up and down frantically moving my hands over my body trying to remove something that is not supposed to be there. And, it’s not about getting rid of anything is it? It’s about engaging with. It’s not about the fight it’s about embracing and moving forward. Ahhh the left side, the nurturing side, the loving side, the side that says to me be gentle with yourself as you are of so many others. Yet still an irritation, of still being politically correct, of not saying what is truly on my mind, of smiling and thinking hmmmm my opinion may not be welcome, no not that, in framing my experience of what resonates in a way that still makes nice.
Hmmmm, framing, boundaries, boxes, they are all one in the same, now for me, self imposed because I am no longer asleep. I cannot hold anyone but myself accountable for having me be there.
It’s moving upwards, whatever is moving through me, making me wonder about my Self, my identity, my signal. WHO AM I? No WHAT AM I? Who is associated with identity, with this body, this form that is known as Lisa. I think it’s more appropriate to ask What am I? A force of some kind, ever present ever watching, waiting. Waiting for this body, this quantum biological processor to open her eyes in a way that will allow what I am to see and be seen ALL THE TIME
Marie Smith says
I too find the question, “What Am I” a great place for me right now to bring even more awareness to, and reflect on, as 2009 begins.