The warrior in me raised my head this week-end, and it had nothing to do with me, well to some degree. I had an experience on Friday, one that left me frustrated, feeling like I was monkey in the middle. Feeling used to some degree. The feelings ignited in me were frustration, indignation, that of being fed up. These are just the words I can use to describe what was going on inside me. And why did I raise the head of the lioness? What injustice was being done to me? None. I had allowed myself to be put in the middle, to act as warrior Lisa, defender of those who cannot defend themselves. What is up with that? Everyone is capable of defending themselves, if they want. That is not my job. So how is all this about me?
I think it has brought up my experiences of not being valued, of not valuing mySELF. How timely that Amy wrote something on value not more than a few days ago. We really are all connected. Of my frustration of others not valuing me and me allowing mySelf to be in that position when all I have to do is speak my truth and then let it go. I cannot choose how others will react or what they will do, that is their choice. That need to keep everything nice and orderly, to keep everything moving along tickity boo, wallowing in habituation. And funny that was a theme of conversation at Louise’s WOI yesterday.
So how is this about me? Is it time for me to let that go? The fighting the battles for others that I thought I could not fight for myself at one point, that I now know I can. I can and do defend myself, because I choose to, and if others don’t that is their choice. And I have to let that go because that is not who I AM. What I can do is point out the sensations, the feelings that come up for me and make my choice. And I choose to lay my sword down, to not gear up for battle, since it’s not my battle, to give others the opportunity to choose for themselves and live with their choices just as I live with mine.
And I have learned something new about mySELF and that is what’s most important.
You are amazing Lisa and I’m glad that we’re on each others holodeck. I took a deep breath as I read your words as they were my words not so long ago and may be my words again…if I choose so. 🙂