You know that feeling, that feeling of – there is something rumbling inside you, something that is moving it’s way to the surface – something that you just can’t put your finger on. That’s where I am. I have all these thoughts going around in me, coming into my awareness, thoughts of a sonic boom and then a dissipating wave, thoughts of letting go. Letting go of process, letting go of structure in the way that I have come to know it. Wanting to be doing/being something very different, wanting not to concentrate as much as I have to in order to get my ‘work’ done, because I know it is not ‘my work’. It is what I do to bring in money, to pay the bills and although there is an aspect of mySelf that resounds in what I do it is not who I AM.
A willingness to step into the uncomfortableness of it all
Who I AM is in full bloom when I allow 100 percent of my presence to be seen and heard. When I am in the company of those who are seeking, journeying, knowing there is more. Who I AM is that force that makes people uncomfortable. I’ve just learned and lived making everyone comfortable, because it’s easier, and it agitates me now. Because I know comfortable is not easier. I AM the One who is asks the deeper question, I AM the One who pushes mySelf into those dark places so that I may show others there is light on the other side.
I’m agitated because I have not allowed enough time to have all of those conversations. I feel incomplete when I have to leave a conversation knowing there is more. I am agitated when I know I stop myself from asking the hard questions, from probing deeper, to make it comfortable for someone else. So why do I stop myself? What is holding me back? Nothing. Nothing is holding me back, I have just had moments of habituated ways of being and so it causes me agitation, because I AM more than that now.
The body is always speaking to us…
There is a dull pain at the back of the left side of my neck. I notice it when I try to move my head in certain positions. There’s also a slight ringing in my left ear… go figure on that one… For whom the bell tolls comes to mind. The image that comes is being immobilized at my head; unable to freely see all that is around me; having to hold myself in place to avoid the pain. Pain is a nominalization, really it’s just my body giving me a signal, to pay attention to something. Pay attention to I’m here to live my experience, that is all. And, I have the choice of living my experience or not. I know that running from one experience only leads to another, breathe into it or not, both have consequences/outcomes. Which one I choose to experience is completely up to me.
Every now and then we need to give the intellect a break
Certain words are resonating in me… A dear friend said yesterday she is living in her body, letting her intellect take a break. I realized my intellect has been playing with me. My body knows what it knows, it knows My Truth. When I allow mySelf to unfold fully within it, my truth is clear. There is no need to think about the answer. I’m thankful for the example my friend shard of her son who told her he needed to check with his Self. I’ve been delinquent in that, taking that breath to see how the I AM that I am feels about things, making decisions based on my intellect. I need to pay attention to that. To allow mySelf to take a breath or two, and allow the force that I am to say yes, no and I don’t know.
I just realized I was holding my breath, okay time to wake up to be present with mySelf to feel MY presence within mySelf, to notice before it manifests in my body as pain, to pay attention to the insights, the thoughts before they are thoughts. Time to breathe.
Until the next time!