Restlessness Archives - Lisa J. Weiss - I of the Storm Coaching & Consulting

Something is going on. And I don’t know what it is. All I know is that I can feel it in my body, the agitation, the restlessness, the need to speak, and again, about what, I don’t know. And I know that I have come to trust these feelings/sensations now, not knowing where they may take me. I met with some fantastic women yesterday, all willing to step outside of themselves, as they know themselves now, willing to take the journey to who knows where. And we talked about pressing up against our edges, to take the conversations where we are uncomfortable, and a thought ,do I do that? Where in my life do I not take the conversations where I am uncomfortable, where I stop just short of that mark, of not wanting to press that edge afraid of where it will take me, knowing it will take me to a new place of wonder to a new level of freedom, still afraid.

Still afraid to rock ‘my ‘boat, still afraid to be too big. There is a crevice I don’t want to go into, that I don’t want to see what is on the other side. And I know that in this moment there is genius in that. Is there? Really? Or is that just my fear rising up to keep me in check. I noticed I have not referred to mySELF in any part of this, is that because mySELF is not involved in this self conversation? That I have allowed my internal and external signals to run rampant, keeping ME silent. Only allowing mySELF to be big sometimes, in some places but not all the time, everywhere, because that would be too much. Lots of thoughts around my beliefs, values and attitudes rising up, feeling stuck, tying mySELF up in knots, having this feeling of not wanting to show up for my own life, ‘thinking’ how easy was it to be asleep, KNOWING all that gets me is nothing but pain.

I know I am not allowing mySELF to be visible to the one person I want to be most visible to, that I am still hiding, making mySELF fit into the smallest of spaces and it’s not working, I can no longer put mySELF into a small space and expect ME to stay there quietly. I have to keep expanding, growing finding new edges to press and at the same time there are some edges that I know are sharp and will be painful, or again is that my fear talking, holding me back because once I cross that frontier there will be no stopping me. I will be too big to ever be able to fit mySELF back into a small space. I know I’m rambling and I know I can feel things moving in me. I no longer have that sensation of blockage a piece of it has fallen away allowing me to breathe more freely.

I am restless. We are back from spending a wonderful time with my brother and his wife and our niece in LA and I am restless. I have spent a good part of today just catching up on the posts on the womengathering site and I am restless. I see the words and some resonate, and most don’t. I’m distracted, there is something I need to share.

There was a time when we were traveling on the plane to LA when I looked outside and there was nothing. As I close my eyes now I can see it, I can experience it again. That feeling of being in nothing, it was just a white space, nothing to see above or below, to the right or the left. Just space, a space that I occupied, just me, and in those moments even the people on the plane did not exist, it was just me in this space. And I felt that, at that moment, I could create whatever I wanted, that if I wanted to open my eyes and see a jungle that is what I would see. It was in that moment I realized I create my reality and in between my creation there is just space, a whole lot of space.

I reveled in the moments with my three year old niece, who lives every moment in the moment, and the moments change in the blink of an eye, from shrieks of laughter to tears and back, living totally in her body. What a gift to bear witness to the spark in it’s non conformed essence and to know that I am that spark too and it is my choice if I present myself in a conformed way, or to let the spark shine through, unencumbered. What a gift to hear her speak her truth as she knows it to be, even when it’s something she could not possibly know and yet she does. Ahhhh, a green dot moment for me, we already know what we need to know even if we don’t know we know. And it is the rules we place on ourselves, the trick our minds play on us to convince ourselves we could not possibly know.

I have been reading Sekhmet Rising and understanding even more that all of the women in the book are relating MY Story in some way shape or form, getting the fact that we are ALL from the same source and therefore connected even though we sing a different song.

I am no longer restless. What I am is eager, eager to stand and show who I am at all times KNOWING this is who I AM.