Rambling Archives - Lisa J. Weiss - I of the Storm Coaching & Consulting

Living a VERY Different Life

I am living a very different life and I have to admit at times I have no clue what I’m doing or where I’m going and you know what? I’m good with that. I guess I expected once all the WEL-Systems? programs were done I would know it all… HA I know now I am always really just at the beginning… of what I don’t know. What I do know is this new life feels a whole lot better than the old one.

What has changed? Better yet, who has changed? I have. Is it easy? Yes and no, claiming and owning who I am everyday, being who I am is easy living in the newtonian world sometimes is not. It is so easy and I know it’s everything in me that makes anything difficult. I am much better at living this new life… each time I sense a difficulty I take a breathe… sometimes a few, and choose… differently. And by making that different choice my life changes.

Thoughts rumbling around inside of me

Insights

You know that feeling, that feeling of – there is something rumbling inside you, something that is moving it’s way to the surface – something that you just can’t put your finger on. That’s where I am. I have all these thoughts going around in me, coming into my awareness, thoughts of a sonic boom and then a dissipating wave, thoughts of letting go. Letting go of process, letting go of structure in the way that I have come to know it. Wanting to be doing/being something very different, wanting not to concentrate as much as I have to in order to get my ‘work’ done, because I know it is not ‘my work’. It is what I do to bring in money, to pay the bills and although there is an aspect of mySelf that resounds in what I do it is not who I AM.

A willingness to step into the uncomfortableness of it all

Who I AM is in full bloom when I allow 100 percent of my presence to be seen and heard. When I am in the company of those who are seeking, journeying, knowing there is more. Who I AM is that force that makes people uncomfortable. I’ve just learned and lived making everyone comfortable, because it’s easier, and it agitates me now. Because I know comfortable is not easier. I AM the One who is asks the deeper question, I AM the One who pushes mySelf into those dark places so that I may show others there is light on the other side.

I’m agitated because I have not allowed enough time to have all of those conversations. I feel incomplete when I have to leave a conversation knowing there is more. I am agitated when I know I stop myself from asking the hard questions, from probing deeper, to make it comfortable for someone else. So why do I stop myself? What is holding me back? Nothing. Nothing is holding me back, I have just had moments of habituated ways of being and so it causes me agitation, because I AM more than that now.

The body is always speaking to us…

There is a dull pain at the back of the left side of my neck. I notice it when I try to move my head in certain positions. There’s also a slight ringing in my left ear… go figure on that one… For whom the bell tolls comes to mind. The image that comes is being immobilized at my head; unable to freely see all that is around me; having to hold myself in place to avoid the pain. Pain is a nominalization, really it’s just my body giving me a signal, to pay attention to something. Pay attention to I’m here to live my experience, that is all. And, I have the choice of living my experience or not. I know that running from one experience only leads to another, breathe into it or not, both have consequences/outcomes. Which one I choose to experience is completely up to me.

Every now and then we need to give the intellect a break

Certain words are resonating in me… A dear friend said yesterday she is living in her body, letting her intellect take a break. I realized my intellect has been playing with me. My body knows what it knows, it knows My Truth. When I allow mySelf to unfold fully within it, my truth is clear. There is no need to think about the answer. I’m thankful for the example my friend shard of her son who told her he needed to check with his Self. I’ve been delinquent in that, taking that breath to see how the I AM that I am feels about things, making decisions based on my intellect. I need to pay attention to that. To allow mySelf to take a breath or two, and allow the force that I am to say yes, no and I don’t know.

I just realized I was holding my breath, okay time to wake up to be present with mySelf to feel MY presence within mySelf, to notice before it manifests in my body as pain, to pay attention to the insights, the thoughts before they are thoughts. Time to breathe.

Until the next time!

Lisa

Small group of Women Gathering

Insights

Small groups of women gathering. It has been happening for centuries, sometimes it’s seen as good, sometimes it’s not, all of the time it’s necessary. Louise has said it often enough, “Women are the key.” I had an extraordinary experience last week-end and it has taken a few days for me to find a quiet moment to reflect and absorb what took place.

9 women gathered at a cottage for 2 days to talk about moving an initiative forward, and in the end it was we who were moved forward, hence the initiative will flow. 9 women, not all known to one another came together to have a conversation. And it was real. Real in the sense that there were no barriers, there was no hiding. Each was magnificent in what she brought, whether in her silence or by her words. Each magnificent in just being. In allowing herSELF to be seen. There were moments of laughter and moments of tears as we struggled through to find ourselves, to create our purpose. And there was another who was in our midst, seen by one, thus enabling her to be heard, who confirmed we’ve have been here before doing the exact same thing.

We were connected, in a way that is not often experienced. I am finding that more and more I am connecting to people, women, on this level. There is a hunger for these conversations, where no one has to be afraid that they will be judged, because, as we all know to judge, another is only to judge ourselves.

My SELF was in full bloom, patient, engaged, intrigued, curious, at times agitated and it was all good. I allowed mySELF to be present, and, to show my presence in the midst of these wonderful women. I know I made a difference, everyone did, and all we had to do was show up. I no longer have to ‘do’ being, I just have to be. It is effortless, no need to get all tangled up inside, unless I choose to.

We are all connected to ‘everything’, it was so apparent, day one was snowy, windy, rainy, the second day was clear, sunny and brilliant, the weather mirrored what was going on in me, in us as a collective and I now know I am connected to everything and everyone.

There has been a message coming into my awareness more and more. My reality is what I make of it, and it’s only because I stop myself from believing that fully when my life does not change.

To embrace all truths, not just mine is where the key lies. Imagine embracing the truth of everyone in a room, to ‘let go’ of all preconceptions in order the shape reality moment by moment. To experience more of mySELF moment by moment, to embrace whatever experience my soul desires or needs to help me see what I need to see, to know what I need to know. To unfold and decloak my entire being for all to see, all the time.

That is the power of women gathering in small groups, talking, having real conversations©. It will change the world. I know it has changed mine. All I have to do is show up AND allow my presence, mySELF to be seen and heard. I have to let go.

Feeling Stuck, feeling safe and my truth

Insights

I am feeling lost, like in suspended animation, not knowing what direction to go in, stuck, just like the ice jam at the foot of our driveway that has been that way for a few weeks. So I went out and cleared the ice so that the water could flow. I created a path for it to follow so now there is only a little puddle not the lake it was turning into. So back to me. I’m feeling stuck and I know only I can clear the jam. I Am the ONE, it’s always been me no one else, no matter how much I want to try to blame others, or make it someone else’s problem for my state of being, it always comes back to me. I am the one who plays the game. I am the one who chooses what game I am playing… funny that came up, probably because I’m reading about finite and infinite games. I am the one deciding what rules I will play by or even if there are any rules. It’s my game, how do I want to play it? What is the prize I am hoping to win, is there a prize? Yes, the prize is life, my life, manifesting what I want, ‘being’ me.

I read Louise’s blog today (http://louiselebrun.wordpress.com/2009/02/08/paradigm-of-being/) the paradigm of being and it hit home, ‘doing being and just being. There is a difference. I had started doing being. How easy it was for me to slip into that, taking on a new role, being a new me. There is no new me, there is only ME and how I choose to present mySELF. When I am in that space it is so easy. So why do I take myself out of that space and return to the old game with the old rules, the familiar rules, the rules that keep me small? I have a choice, I choose, do I stay or do I go? Do I speak or stay silent? Do I show up and be open, clear, honest and direct or do I hide behind the rules of the old game? I decide. And now I cannot run, I cannot hide from mySELF. I’m awake now, I have chosen that and with that choice comes a new game, a new life, one that does not let me hide. I want to bee seen, I want everyone to know who I AM, to have no secrets from anyone, to say what I know, to see what I see, to hear what I hear and to know that in my world it is all true, whether it’s true for you or not, whether you agree with me or not.

My future exists with my next breath. That is all that there is, this moment, this breath. And so if I choose to be stuck, that is my choice, and, in the next breath I can choose to be unstuck, it is that easy. Really! So what is holding me back?

I don’t feel safe. What does that mean? Safety has to do with all the rules of the old game of being externally referenced, of having to rely on someone else to feel safe, I know the jargon well, feeling safe in his arms, safety in numbers, safe neighborhood, safe home, all externally based. I know I am the only one who determines if I am safe or not, when I am mySELF I am safe, there is no need for anything or anyone else, and that is what scares me. I am battling with the notion of not needing anyone but me, it goes deep, that belief that I need someone else there beside me to feel safe. From an environment perspective I needed the protection of adults when I was born and when I was young for my survival because I could not feed, change or clothe myself and that need was reinforced, if I don’t play by the rules I will be abandoned, left alone, been there and done that and I learned the game well. And now a new paradigm, a new game where there are no rules. I can never be alone because I always have mySELF, and I am old enough to be able t clothe and feed myself, yet I hold on to the notion of needing to be safe, to feel safe in the company of others. Just like before with the notion of not letting go to let mySELF fly is the notion of not letting go knowing I will be safe with mySELF. And like always with me it comes down to trust. Trusting mySELF fully. I know what I know, I see what I see and I hear what I hear and I don’t have to change my mind for anyone or because of anyone else because they see what they see and hear what they hear and know what they know and it does not have to be the same as me. How can it be, they are not me and I ma not them. I am only me. That is all I can be. I have to choose to cast aside the notion that I cannot be safe with mySELF. That no matter what anyone else thinks as long as I am connected to who I AM I am safe. And everything will unfold in a way that is right and perfect for me. I just have to remember to breathe.

Nothing is ever more than a conversation.

Pressing an edge

Insights

Something is going on. And I don’t know what it is. All I know is that I can feel it in my body, the agitation, the restlessness, the need to speak, and again, about what, I don’t know. And I know that I have come to trust these feelings/sensations now, not knowing where they may take me. I met with some fantastic women yesterday, all willing to step outside of themselves, as they know themselves now, willing to take the journey to who knows where. And we talked about pressing up against our edges, to take the conversations where we are uncomfortable, and a thought ,do I do that? Where in my life do I not take the conversations where I am uncomfortable, where I stop just short of that mark, of not wanting to press that edge afraid of where it will take me, knowing it will take me to a new place of wonder to a new level of freedom, still afraid.

Still afraid to rock ‘my ‘boat, still afraid to be too big. There is a crevice I don’t want to go into, that I don’t want to see what is on the other side. And I know that in this moment there is genius in that. Is there? Really? Or is that just my fear rising up to keep me in check. I noticed I have not referred to mySELF in any part of this, is that because mySELF is not involved in this self conversation? That I have allowed my internal and external signals to run rampant, keeping ME silent. Only allowing mySELF to be big sometimes, in some places but not all the time, everywhere, because that would be too much. Lots of thoughts around my beliefs, values and attitudes rising up, feeling stuck, tying mySELF up in knots, having this feeling of not wanting to show up for my own life, ‘thinking’ how easy was it to be asleep, KNOWING all that gets me is nothing but pain.

I know I am not allowing mySELF to be visible to the one person I want to be most visible to, that I am still hiding, making mySELF fit into the smallest of spaces and it’s not working, I can no longer put mySELF into a small space and expect ME to stay there quietly. I have to keep expanding, growing finding new edges to press and at the same time there are some edges that I know are sharp and will be painful, or again is that my fear talking, holding me back because once I cross that frontier there will be no stopping me. I will be too big to ever be able to fit mySELF back into a small space. I know I’m rambling and I know I can feel things moving in me. I no longer have that sensation of blockage a piece of it has fallen away allowing me to breathe more freely.

Keeping it Simple

Insights

I have been witnessing the power of mySELF in the past few days and I am… I don’t have the words to describe what I feel. Deeply moved does not seem enough. I have been taking flight and seeing and feeling the majesty of it all. I recognize now that I AM a Quantum Biological being that is the vessel for mySELF to stream through, and when I let go of all the clutter and noise I have been accumulating and listening to for the past forty some odd years it really is that simple to be me. Truly living in the moment as I was reminded of by my three year old niece means that what brought me joy yesterday may not bring me joy today and that’s okay. That I am on my journey is all that matters and along the way I may or may not have an impact on others, however if I hide who I am then no one benefits, especially me.

I am no longer afraid to be who I AM. A very good friend brought this to my attention yesterday. She wrote “just being me scares the crap out of people” and in that moment I realized that for me when I am spewing my fire all over the place, trying to hold on somehow, to control it, knowing I have no control over it, yes people are afraid. And when I take a breath or two or three and own my fire, own my feeling, whatever it is, it comes out very differently. And I am just as intense, only different, just me being me in the moment. The difference is when I own my fire it opens an opportunity for me to learn about myself and for whomever I am engaging with at the time to maybe learn something about themselves IF that is where they are, if that is what they are seeking.

It’s not about why I feel this way, whatever way it may be and attaching a story to it. It’s owning that I have these feelings, that they are a signal to me to pay attention to mySelf. The result of taking full ownership of my feelings in the moment is no one has to be scared, especially me. I no longer have to worry about blowing my top as long as I remember to breath. And the members of my Ohana tribe keep reminding me of the simplicity of things, because things are moving fast and furious now, I am manifesting what I need, and it is effortless, and when I am ‘in’ the hunt as Naiomi so wonderfully stated I get lost as opposed to ‘being’ in the hunt. And as Louise stated everything is just a conversation unless I let myself get lost in it and forget to just ‘be’.

I know I’m just rambling here and I know that’s okay, that I will sort things out and eventually it will make sense, maybe it makes sense to you and that’s okay too. The message for me today is keep it simple.