There has been a lot of movement in my body this week. And I have not been hungry, in that I have been eating very little. I have been experiencing constriction in my throat, low intensity acid reflux waking me up at night, and eyes that haven been hurting. What have I been doing to warrant all of this? I have been trying to ‘work,’ to put pen to paper to earn my living, so it started with my eyes.
When I am in conversation everything is fine, when I am not in conversation is when the trouble begins. As I sit at my computer to evaluate the documents I must to create a new web space my eyes begin to hurt and it escalates the longer I sit trying to do it, from a little scratchy to a heaviness and dryness I have not experienced before. So I take my cue and close my laptop and go back to the books I am reading, and my eyes stop hurting, except for once when what I needed was sleep.
Then there is the acid reflux. A lesser amount of pain from what I used to have, just enough to wake me up to say here I am… now I could try to say it could be all the peppery food I have been ingesting on what I would call and empty stomach, and I know differently, I know differently because all I had to do was breathe through it and ask myself, ‘who am I?’ and it subsided and I was able to fall back to sleep. And then I would get up and ask the question, how does the godforce that I am choose to live my life today, and I would think today I am going to finalize reviewing the text and then my eyes get heavy and begin to hurt. So again I read, and I finish the book finite and infinite games and on the second to last page there is a line about there being no story and my whole body reacts, that is what I said in Engaging. I know all of this.
I was questioning myself again, wondering what I am doing, because I don’t know enough, and I know the sequence of events is to listen to my body, mySelf, trust and engage and see where it leads me, it is signal number two and three getting into the chatter telling me… you have to ‘work’ to earn money to pay for all of this. I have been here many times before. When I worked at the Montreal Children’s as a nurses aide, feeling tired, getting sick then having a moment where someone said what about PR and then working in the PR department and my life changed. Then at Nortel, getting tired of the machine, always having to fight to do the right thing, playing the finite game, thinking that is what I had to do to survive, getting sick again, and then being layed off. How wonderful a time to just be, and everything aligned for me to begin consulting. So I find mySelf here again at a cross road, still liking what I do and loving this new adventure, knowing this is what my experience up to now has been preparing me for. Trust and engage.
As I sat to write this I felt a huge space inside of me. The image of feeding fire with fire comes up.
