Lisa J. Weiss

Waiting

Insights

Last night I emailed a friend and colleague to work out some logistics and in her response this morning she mentioned she is ‘waiting’ to see if anyone signs up for her event late in the afternoon. And I can’t begin to tell you the flurry of activity it set off in my body. I did breathe AND it was not enough since I had to prepare myself for a meeting with a client. So as I sit here now, having the time to really let the sensations move through me I am curious. What is it about the words or the idea of having to wait for someone else to make a decision to see if I can do something mean to me? Memories of being told to ‘wait’ to go to the bathroom if we were on a trip, to ‘wait’ my turn, to ‘wait’ until someone catches up all meaning for me to put my life on hold for someone else.

I am DONE with that. No more waiting. A ringing in my ears, no longer willing to wait to show up for my life. It’s all about me right? So what about my deadline, my cut off point, my line in the sand where I declare you have until this time to respond and then I am moving on?

Control or Choice

Insights

At my last WOI a theme kept coming up for one of the women, control, and the need for control and what does control mean? And I have been digesting this notion.  Since we live in a holographic universe, if it comes to my attention I should pay attention. So I have been asking mySelf do I still feel the need for control? And control over what? In my mind I know I still struggle with the am I being or doing being? Did you notice that I wrote ‘in my mind’ well that says a whole lot…And that has implications in control. If I am simply ‘being’ then control is not something I should be worried about, yet it has surfaced.

I have been feeding my intellect, reading all sorts of material, the most recent on studies conducted that are proving we are more than what we think we are. About the Zero Point Field and sub atomic particles, and telepathy, about games and other dimensions, all very interesting information and I wonder am I digesting it? Will having and knowing this information help me to let go? To BE? I feel myself wanting to plan, to know what is coming around the corner so that I will be able to complete my apprenticeship. That is how I am choosing to call this part of my journey. I am in unfamiliar territory, there is no outline. And so far I have been propelled forward by mySelf, totally unsure of where it will take me. And yet the need to plan is emerging, that need to gain control. So many forces coming to bear down on me, there are things that have to be done to the house in order for us to get it ready to sell in a year, we need to start thinking about what we need to do in order to build our new home, another adoption opportunity, maybe, how are we going to pay for it all. What if we are chosen and a baby is on the way, how will that impact me and my plans.

And I know this is a game that I am playing with mySelf. I am smiling, because somewhere deep within me I know all I have to do is let go. To BE. to take each moment as it comes, and to breathe. I know I don’t have to worry, worry is a device my intellect uses to distract me. I AM not worried. I know that if I stay in mySelf and trust mySelf I will be fine, just fine. I will get what I need when I need it and not a moment before. Whenever I have tried to ‘control’ things/people in the past it got me nowhere. When I chose for mySelf I was and am always fine, just fine. What is in my control is my choice. And whether or not I choose to choose consciously. Whether I choose to listen to my body when it reacts, to digest the information it gives me in order to move to the other side.

I have let go of control, I can’t help myself. When the need the desire to plan to strategize takes a hold of me now there is no fight, I just smile and say to mySelf that is just a reminder of something that has no bearing now. I choose this moment, what ever this moment brings, because that is all that there is.

Control is on the Newtonian side of the line, I am now living on the quantum side of the line and I have CHOICE.

My body talking

Insights

There has been a lot of movement in my body this week. And I have not been hungry, in that I have been eating very little. I have been experiencing constriction in my throat, low intensity acid reflux waking me up at night, and eyes that haven been hurting. What have I been doing to warrant all of this? I have been trying to ‘work,’ to put pen to paper to earn my living, so it started with my eyes.

When I am in conversation everything is fine, when I am not in conversation is when the trouble begins. As I sit at my computer to evaluate the documents I must to create a new web space my eyes begin to hurt and it escalates the longer I sit trying to do it, from a little scratchy to a heaviness and dryness I have not experienced before. So I take my cue and close my laptop and go back to the books I am reading, and my eyes stop hurting, except for once when what I needed was sleep.

Then there is the acid reflux. A lesser amount of pain from what I used to have, just enough to wake me up to say here I am… now I could try to say it could be all the peppery food I have been ingesting on what I would call and empty stomach, and I know differently, I know differently because all I had to do was breathe through it and ask myself, ‘who am I?’ and it subsided and I was able to fall back to sleep. And then I would get up and ask the question, how does the godforce that I am choose to live my life today, and I would think today I am going to finalize reviewing the text and then my eyes get heavy and begin to hurt. So again I read, and I finish the book finite and infinite games and on the second to last page there is a line about there being no story and my whole body reacts, that is what I said in Engaging. I know all of this.

I was questioning myself again, wondering what I am doing, because I don’t know enough, and I know the sequence of events is to listen to my body, mySelf, trust and engage and see where it leads me, it is signal number two and three getting into the chatter telling me… you have to ‘work’ to earn money to pay for all of this. I have been here many times before. When I worked at the Montreal Children’s as a nurses aide, feeling tired, getting sick then having a moment where someone said what about PR and then working in the PR department and my life changed. Then at Nortel, getting tired of the machine, always having to fight to do the right thing, playing the finite game, thinking that is what I had to do to survive, getting sick again, and then being layed off.  How wonderful a time to just be, and everything aligned for me to begin consulting. So I find mySelf here again at a cross road, still liking what I do and loving this new adventure, knowing this is what my experience up to now has been preparing me for. Trust and engage.

As I sat to write this I felt a huge space inside of me. The image of feeding fire with fire comes up.

Not Who-What AM I

Insights

I am living in my body. I know that now. My brother was sick while we were away and I found my throat getting scratchy at night the last few days. And since we have been back I feel a cold coming on. Yet this time it’s different, instead of just being in my head about it I have been asking questions. Why is my throat scratchy? And noticing it’s only on one side, the left hand side, the crucible side. Most things for me are on the left side of my body, funny.

I didn’t sleep well last night, my throat was bothering me, so I took many breaths, air breaths, I felt I needed to create some space for my body to do what it needs to, to not get caught up in the whole dance about being sick over the holidays. What is my body trying to tell me? What am I trying to shed, to process? Interesting word to shed. I get the image of myself hoping up and down frantically moving my hands over my body trying to remove something that is not supposed to be there. And, it’s not about getting rid of anything is it? It’s about engaging with.  It’s not about the fight it’s about embracing and moving forward. Ahhh the left side, the nurturing side, the loving side, the side that says to me be gentle with yourself as you are of so many others. Yet still an irritation, of still being politically correct, of not saying what is truly on my mind, of smiling and thinking hmmmm my opinion may not be welcome, no not that, in framing my experience of what resonates in a way that still makes nice.

Hmmmm, framing, boundaries, boxes, they are all one in the same, now for me, self imposed because I am no longer asleep. I cannot hold anyone but myself accountable for having me be there.

It’s moving upwards, whatever is moving through me, making me wonder about my Self, my identity, my signal. WHO AM I? No WHAT AM I? Who is associated with identity, with this body, this form that is known as Lisa. I think it’s more appropriate to ask What am I? A force of some kind, ever present ever watching, waiting. Waiting for this body, this quantum biological processor to open her eyes in a way that will allow what I am to see and be seen ALL THE TIME

Heartburn

Insights

I had an interesting experience last night. Heartburn, it hasn’t happened in a while and it’s always when I’m in bed. The pain was sharp, fire energy, right in the center of my chest, the heart center, where values, attitudes and beliefs reside. Those things that make up who I think I am. So, last night instead of doing what I would normally do, which would be to sit up, hit or message my chest, drink some water and try to sleep sitting up. I simply rolled over onto my side and asked my Self the question ‘Who am I?” and I relaxed my shoulders, softened my belly and took some deep fire energy breaths, and the pain went away. It happened three times throughout the night and each time a little less intense, I did the same thing, and each time the pain went away, and on the last episode something from inside me responded, ‘I AM everything’. And I fell into a wonderful deep sleep.

If I take that experience and think of it as a metaphor what I come up with is, I have pierced the beliefs, values and attitudes I had about who I was, and I am growing in who I AM. And that happened because I took another step to see who I am. I sent out an invite to start another WOI group and made my blog public. No more secrets, feeling grounded, and standing firm in who I AM. Sharing and claiming MY experiences as they affect and move me. I wonder what today will bring? Better yet, what kind of life do I choose for this day to bring? Life is GRAND.

Engage your Curiosity

Discover the Magic

With each breath you are given an invitation to begin again. Are you ready AND willing to listen to the call from deep within?

If YES…

Engage YOUR SELF

Sometimes we need gentle reminders to live with intention.