I’ve been having a lot of conversations lately about listening to and paying attention to what the essence of who I am is telling me. And once again I am reminded that everything is about me. I forget while in conversation that it’s really all about me. That the conversation itself is an indicator as to what is going on in inside ME. I ran my first Decloaking and Living authentically workshop earlier this month and it was amazing, and I thought, beforehand, that I would certainly blog about my experience, and was surprised when there was no calling from me to write about it. I know in that experience it felt like I was home. Oh there were moments of panic and uncertainty for sure and once again I had to let go and trust mySelf.
Living a VERY Different Life
I am living a very different life and I have to admit at times I have no clue what I’m doing or where I’m going and you know what? I’m good with that. I guess I expected once all the WEL-Systems? programs were done I would know it all… HA I know now I am always really just at the beginning… of what I don’t know. What I do know is this new life feels a whole lot better than the old one.
What has changed? Better yet, who has changed? I have. Is it easy? Yes and no, claiming and owning who I am everyday, being who I am is easy living in the newtonian world sometimes is not. It is so easy and I know it’s everything in me that makes anything difficult. I am much better at living this new life… each time I sense a difficulty I take a breathe… sometimes a few, and choose… differently. And by making that different choice my life changes.
A New Journey Begins
Well it has been a while. And lots has happened since my last post, has it really only been a little over a month? WOW, time is moving quickly and yet it seems to have taken a while. So back to the journey. The old journey, the journey of learning, absorbing, experimenting to be something/someone different is over, and the new journey of living it has begun. The content of it is I needed to stop. For the past 10 months I’ve been moving at the speed of light, growing, evolving, changing, going back to sleep, waking up again, it was exhilarating and it was exhausting. So I took a break.
My new life
Well here I am, just two weeks post Manifesting a Meaningful Life and four days post our G10 gathering. Two very intense activities which has, and is, taking my body at least a week to process. I now know who I am, and that knowledge is very freeing, because now my choices/decisions are easy. I take a breathe, pay attention to my body and choose. When I make a choice that is not in alignment with who I AM my body lets me know, pronto. And then I have another choice to make, change my mind or stay with the choice that causes me agitation. It sounds like a no brainer, yet for years that is exactly what I did. Made choices that didn’t ‘sit’ well within me and brushed aside the feelings, pushed the agitation further into my body. It is no wonder that I did not make myself sick.
Well that’s not true either, I was sick. It would be labeled as mild depression, feeling tired and listless, eating more, drinking more, shopping more. Anything to fill the hole I was creating. There must have been an inner cry for help because all of a sudden different people started to come into my life. Individuals who have a different perspective on life, and this time instead of pushing it aside I let my curiosity propel me to a new place. That new place is now where I stand. Living a very different life. A life where everyday I wake up I say to mySelf, how does the godforce that I am choose to live today? And I let my day unfold, moment by moment.
After numerous conversations I have come to realize that all I have to do is hold my intention and my life is created right before my eyes. It’s not about the doing, the forcing the round peg in the square hole it’s about Being. The question I have often asked mySelf is how can someone just BE? I finally get it, ti’s about taking a breath in and then exhaling. That’s it. It’s about paying attention to what comes up in that breath, is there alignment, meaning a peacefulness within mySelf or is there some sort of agitation? And my new way of Being allows me to understand that the agitation is just information and to trust that information. Trust MySelf.
The information might be something from my experiences that I have not recognized or processed yet, that will keep presenting until I acknowledge it. Or it might be mySelf, the Who that I am giving me guidance that I need to change my decision, go left instead of right, accept instead of decline.
Children do it magnificently, and we, as the responsible adults that we are ‘beat’ it out of them so that they no longer believe what their body is telling them. I’m hungry, no you’re not, how can you be you just ate? I’m thirsty, you just had something to drink so you can’t be. I don’t want to play with so and so… of course you do he/she wants to be friends. Sound familiar? It’s subtle and yet the impact is huge.
I’ve been paying attention. It’s amazing how many people follow the same routine, every day, barely changing a thing. It’s easy, it’s mindless, it’s coma. Well I’m AWAKE and I’m waking up anyone who is ready to really live the life of their choosing, not the one they feel they must endure. So when I SEE you and I ask how are you? I really do want the truth of what you are experiencing, not the habituated response, which means I need you to take a breath or two and then answer, and our lives will be different. That is how my life is different today. It’s a beautiful thing!
Who AM I
I have emerged from Manifesting a Meaningful life. It was an incredible week. I could not even imagine the experience that I had. 6 days of deep and intense conversations peeling away at the layers to come to know who I am today, in this moment. Realizing that who I am today may not be who I am tomorrow, or net week, or next month, or next year. Powerful. Freeing. It was exhausting. My body is still tired and at the same time I feel so energized.
I saw MYSELF for the first time on Saturday, the last day of the program. It happened in an instant, while brushing my teeth, I looked in the mirror… and did not see the person I thought I was, I saw who I AM. That part of me that others have seen glimpses of, that I could not. I am aligned and connected. I feel mySelf streaming through my body like I never have before, and it, everything is so easy.
Angst comes from when I step back over to the left side of the line, when I drop into culturally conditioned self, external referencing, step back into the process of nested family systems. When I don’t see them as systems, as processes. Choice is easy when I am living on the right side of the line when I look UP and remember who I AM and choose in that moment what feels right for me.
I am creating my life every moment, with every breathe. I now understand why this journey takes this long. I understand the angst I had to experience of wrestling with who I thought I was to free who I AM. The time I had to give mySelf to let go of the stories, the myths, in order to understand they were just stories and myths. To know that I AM the Godforce, a single note in the symphony… and until I pick up the instrument, and play it, I cannot be heard. So until this point my note was played erratically. Now I can be heard always. If, that is what I choose and I choose to be heard.
I was so blessed to have my friend Naomi staying with me through this journey. Every conversation was the catalyst for another insight, how brilliant am I for creating her on my holodeck. She has helped me to understand that I have the power to ‘Choose Easy’.
This journey has given me my life back. I am not naive to think that it’s over. I’ve only just begun. I know there will be time I am tempted to get caught up in the story and I also know all I have to do is remember who I AM. I am gidddy with excitement of not knowing where each day will take me and steadfast in my knowledge that it will end just where I need to be.
I bet you’re wondering so what is your signal? Who are You? Well, if you read these words and something moves, you have seen me, if we have a conversation and something moves you have heard me, when we are together you feel me, the words do not matter, it is the essence of who I am streaming through that is inescapable. The important thing is I KNOW WHO I AM in this moment.
Control or Choice
At my last WOI a theme kept coming up for one of the women, control, and the need for control and what does control mean? And I have been digesting this notion. Since we live in a holographic universe, if it comes to my attention I should pay attention. So I have been asking mySelf do I still feel the need for control? And control over what? In my mind I know I still struggle with the am I being or doing being? Did you notice that I wrote ‘in my mind’ well that says a whole lot…And that has implications in control. If I am simply ‘being’ then control is not something I should be worried about, yet it has surfaced.
I have been feeding my intellect, reading all sorts of material, the most recent on studies conducted that are proving we are more than what we think we are. About the Zero Point Field and sub atomic particles, and telepathy, about games and other dimensions, all very interesting information and I wonder am I digesting it? Will having and knowing this information help me to let go? To BE? I feel myself wanting to plan, to know what is coming around the corner so that I will be able to complete my apprenticeship. That is how I am choosing to call this part of my journey. I am in unfamiliar territory, there is no outline. And so far I have been propelled forward by mySelf, totally unsure of where it will take me. And yet the need to plan is emerging, that need to gain control. So many forces coming to bear down on me, there are things that have to be done to the house in order for us to get it ready to sell in a year, we need to start thinking about what we need to do in order to build our new home, another adoption opportunity, maybe, how are we going to pay for it all. What if we are chosen and a baby is on the way, how will that impact me and my plans.
And I know this is a game that I am playing with mySelf. I am smiling, because somewhere deep within me I know all I have to do is let go. To BE. to take each moment as it comes, and to breathe. I know I don’t have to worry, worry is a device my intellect uses to distract me. I AM not worried. I know that if I stay in mySelf and trust mySelf I will be fine, just fine. I will get what I need when I need it and not a moment before. Whenever I have tried to ‘control’ things/people in the past it got me nowhere. When I chose for mySelf I was and am always fine, just fine. What is in my control is my choice. And whether or not I choose to choose consciously. Whether I choose to listen to my body when it reacts, to digest the information it gives me in order to move to the other side.
I have let go of control, I can’t help myself. When the need the desire to plan to strategize takes a hold of me now there is no fight, I just smile and say to mySelf that is just a reminder of something that has no bearing now. I choose this moment, what ever this moment brings, because that is all that there is.
Control is on the Newtonian side of the line, I am now living on the quantum side of the line and I have CHOICE.