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Knowing I am ENOUGH

This is the audio version of this post.

InConversation by Lisa J. Weiss

It has been an interesting few days. So much swirling inside of me around choices, choosing, trust, shame and all stemming from the conversation inside mySelf around knowing I am ENOUGH.

I have been in some very intense conversations with mySelf out loud in the presence of another; realizing just how far I have come in knowing I am enough. My intellect wants to take me into all the spaces and places it knows around jealousy, righteous indignation and so on, and I find myself in a very different place. A place called indifference with a deep respect and caring for who I am, and the other person.

A subtle change… A HUGE impact

Insights

I have been in turmoil for the last little while. Not the kind that ends in angst, the kind that creates movement. I am about to embark… no I have been preparing for a great adventure. I have been flying, taking little trips, strengthening my wings and know that I am almost ready to take the greatest flight of my life. I know that once I leave this nest I am not coming back. I am taking nothing more than mySelf, I am giddy with excitement and I am afraid. Still unsure, and willing to engage anyway. I spent some time with Louise yesterday, I love this woman. And as we conversed I felt a clarity begin to rise within mySelf. There have been posts on density and intensity and Louise spoke of it yesterday and I wasn’t sure I got what it meant, I get it now. I have been experiencing a density within mySelf in my quest to let go of the who I am now for the who I know mySelf to be. No big change, in fact a very subtle change with a HUGE impact.

I manifest what I want in my life. I was beginning to feel constricted, it manifested itself in my throat, in a subtle constriction of my airway, not enough to cause breathing problems just enough to make me have to make me take a few deep breaths. And what I manifested is space. Space to do what I want to do. I have friend who has been reading Fully Alive and the movement taking place in her has been massive. She called me last night to say, ‘Guess what I will be getting my job, the way I want on my terms and I was called in to speak to the big boss, he congratulated me on my actions and asked what I would do to proceed.” And all of this because I started to breathe. All of this in two weeks.” A subtle change, starting to breathe, a HUGE impact on another life.

Being in the moment, breathing in THIS moment that is all I can do… that is all I am choosing to do. I am hearing you Louise, your words rumble around in me… “Breathe, allow what there to move, exhale and engage.” I have to trust that. That is my journey as I see it for now, learning to trust mySelf every moment. Now that is interesting a sharp pain, fire energy in my left leg… always on my left side, so I breathe, I send my energy where it needs to go and the ‘pain’ goes away… that is a funny statement the pain goes away… it actually morphs into something new, a different sensation one that feels strong. And I know there is always more, and for now I have nothing more to say.

Small group of Women Gathering

Insights

Small groups of women gathering. It has been happening for centuries, sometimes it’s seen as good, sometimes it’s not, all of the time it’s necessary. Louise has said it often enough, “Women are the key.” I had an extraordinary experience last week-end and it has taken a few days for me to find a quiet moment to reflect and absorb what took place.

9 women gathered at a cottage for 2 days to talk about moving an initiative forward, and in the end it was we who were moved forward, hence the initiative will flow. 9 women, not all known to one another came together to have a conversation. And it was real. Real in the sense that there were no barriers, there was no hiding. Each was magnificent in what she brought, whether in her silence or by her words. Each magnificent in just being. In allowing herSELF to be seen. There were moments of laughter and moments of tears as we struggled through to find ourselves, to create our purpose. And there was another who was in our midst, seen by one, thus enabling her to be heard, who confirmed we’ve have been here before doing the exact same thing.

We were connected, in a way that is not often experienced. I am finding that more and more I am connecting to people, women, on this level. There is a hunger for these conversations, where no one has to be afraid that they will be judged, because, as we all know to judge, another is only to judge ourselves.

My SELF was in full bloom, patient, engaged, intrigued, curious, at times agitated and it was all good. I allowed mySELF to be present, and, to show my presence in the midst of these wonderful women. I know I made a difference, everyone did, and all we had to do was show up. I no longer have to ‘do’ being, I just have to be. It is effortless, no need to get all tangled up inside, unless I choose to.

We are all connected to ‘everything’, it was so apparent, day one was snowy, windy, rainy, the second day was clear, sunny and brilliant, the weather mirrored what was going on in me, in us as a collective and I now know I am connected to everything and everyone.

There has been a message coming into my awareness more and more. My reality is what I make of it, and it’s only because I stop myself from believing that fully when my life does not change.

To embrace all truths, not just mine is where the key lies. Imagine embracing the truth of everyone in a room, to ‘let go’ of all preconceptions in order the shape reality moment by moment. To experience more of mySELF moment by moment, to embrace whatever experience my soul desires or needs to help me see what I need to see, to know what I need to know. To unfold and decloak my entire being for all to see, all the time.

That is the power of women gathering in small groups, talking, having real conversations©. It will change the world. I know it has changed mine. All I have to do is show up AND allow my presence, mySELF to be seen and heard. I have to let go.

Creating Space

Insights

I’ve been doing my homework in preparation for Manifesting in march and a few thoughts have stuck with me from today’s chapter from Leadership and the New Science, they are; “When the environment shifts and the system notices it needs to change, it always changes in such a say that it remains consistent with itself… a system focused on maintaining itself, producing itself.” For me this means I can never change into someone that is not truly me.

“The presence of a clear identity makes the organization less vulnerable to its environment; it develops greater freedom to decide how it will respond.” Embracing who/what I am will allow me to move through this world safely, not having to be afraid of the external references, or the triggers of my past.

And the most sticky, ” The attempt to manage for stability and to enforce an unnatural equilibrium always lead to far-reaching destruction.”

The last quote sends a sensation through my body that I cannot explain. I think it rocks me to my core. “The attempt to mange for stability and to enforce an unnatural equilibrium always leads to far-reaching destruction.” That is what it’s like to be asleep, at least on my holodeck. That is what happens when I yearn for stability to keep things and people just so. That is what I equate with safety, thinking once I get there I will be safe, and realizing now, that is the path towards a sleeping state and death. That it is the agitation, the sensations, the feelings that keep me alive. It is my NOT stopping the flow of those feelings, agitations and sensations that help me to evolve. That is why I get restless or feel restless, it’s my body always telling me to WAKE UP.

The science makes perfect sense to me and I am not a scientific person. I get it at an intellectual level and as a sensation within myself. I was talking to Louise this week, I so enjoy our conversations, and she mentioned something about being space and yet we feel we can only occupy a small amount of it, not wanting to take up too much. And those words are now echoing in my head, the question… If I am space then how or why would I only want to occupy what amounts to a minute aspect of it? If I am space then I can be as large as I want to be. We also talked about how we fit ourselves into the different boxes we create or that exist, and I get it now. If I am space, if I am the wind I can move around all kinds of spaces and not lose any aspect of who I am. Windy days have always been my favorite kind of days because depending on where I stand it can be as soft as a whisper or a mighty force throwing me off balance and it’s always easier to move with it as opposed to bracing against it.

I have been playing with the sensation of a cold this past week. Noticing when I feel congested, when my throat gets scratchy, when my eyes get tired and asking questions along the way, and not really being sick. Like now, I feel very light headed, in a good way in a way that tells me I’ve made some space, given myself room to move around in. I don’t have to be confined to this body. I’ve heard people express this before, like Naomi, and I didn’t quite understand it at the time. I think I get it now. I am still afraid to get a little to big for my britches and at the same time I know I need to be much larger than I am now and I’m okay to hold onto those two thoughts at the same time to work them through so that they may create something/someone new.

All Over The Map and Not…

Insights

I’m a little all over the map, there is a lot of stuff rumbling in me from experiences from the last few days, be patient, something is trying to get my attention.

I had an interesting experience yesterday. Actually I have interesting experiences everyday. I had a conversation with Sheila and Louise two days ago about moving into something different, and again it’s about the trust in myself to know that I can do something without having to depend upon th external referencing. It still tugs at me from time to time, even though I know I can do it. Whatever ‘it’ is.

So yesterday I facilitated a workshop and at the end two of the women approached me to be their mentor/coach for the remainder of the duration of the program. WOW, I panicked, I fell into the habituated ritual of thinking I can’t do that! I don’t have enough experience, I’m not a certified coach yet! And then I took a breath, a simple breath, that allowed me to KNOW that I can do whatever I set out to do because this is MY holographic universe. Again the words echoing from the conversation with Sheila and Louise. So I said yes. Yes to the women, and yes to mySelf. Yes to the potential that I am not aware of yet, that is unfolding daily presenting itself in ways so subtle and yet so profound.

My dreams are speaking to me again, showing me something that I can’t quite make out. Last night I dreamed I was back at the Montreal Children’s, and this morning I thought what is that a metaphor for? I often dream I am back there again when I am about to take a leap. It is my refuge, the place I go to because that is where it all began, that is where I started to get a glimps of knowing who I was, testing things, being me. This time it was different, things had changed physically, the space was different yet the same, yet the feelings of being home in me were the same and it moved me. I cried in my dream, I’ve never done that. My body is now reacting on different planes, not the ones that fly, the ones that co-exist within us.

And another conversation last night, one that left me feeling hopeful and frustrated. Three women sitting around talking, on our own journey’s standing alone yet not alone. Seeing myself in the other two. Knowing exactly what they are experiencing and trying to frame it in a way that reflected my experience, which at times is sometimes frustrating, because sometimes people don’t get my truth. And it’s not for them to get. It’s for me to get. It’s always to a message to me. It’s all about MY TRUTH. and knowing as long as I ‘get it’ is all that matters, and standing strong in that. The subtle hint of the need for external referencing, of needing, wanting others to get it. Let it go. I got it when I was ready so I have to believe others will too.

I feel the pulsations in my fingers, life at the most basic level, MY LIFE, reconnected and feeling it all.