I am feeling lost, like in suspended animation, not knowing what direction to go in, stuck, just like the ice jam at the foot of our driveway that has been that way for a few weeks. So I went out and cleared the ice so that the water could flow. I created a path for it to follow so now there is only a little puddle not the lake it was turning into. So back to me. I’m feeling stuck and I know only I can clear the jam. I Am the ONE, it’s always been me no one else, no matter how much I want to try to blame others, or make it someone else’s problem for my state of being, it always comes back to me. I am the one who plays the game. I am the one who chooses what game I am playing… funny that came up, probably because I’m reading about finite and infinite games. I am the one deciding what rules I will play by or even if there are any rules. It’s my game, how do I want to play it? What is the prize I am hoping to win, is there a prize? Yes, the prize is life, my life, manifesting what I want, ‘being’ me.
I read Louise’s blog today (http://louiselebrun.wordpress.com/2009/02/08/paradigm-of-being/) the paradigm of being and it hit home, ‘doing being and just being. There is a difference. I had started doing being. How easy it was for me to slip into that, taking on a new role, being a new me. There is no new me, there is only ME and how I choose to present mySELF. When I am in that space it is so easy. So why do I take myself out of that space and return to the old game with the old rules, the familiar rules, the rules that keep me small? I have a choice, I choose, do I stay or do I go? Do I speak or stay silent? Do I show up and be open, clear, honest and direct or do I hide behind the rules of the old game? I decide. And now I cannot run, I cannot hide from mySELF. I’m awake now, I have chosen that and with that choice comes a new game, a new life, one that does not let me hide. I want to bee seen, I want everyone to know who I AM, to have no secrets from anyone, to say what I know, to see what I see, to hear what I hear and to know that in my world it is all true, whether it’s true for you or not, whether you agree with me or not.
My future exists with my next breath. That is all that there is, this moment, this breath. And so if I choose to be stuck, that is my choice, and, in the next breath I can choose to be unstuck, it is that easy. Really! So what is holding me back?
I don’t feel safe. What does that mean? Safety has to do with all the rules of the old game of being externally referenced, of having to rely on someone else to feel safe, I know the jargon well, feeling safe in his arms, safety in numbers, safe neighborhood, safe home, all externally based. I know I am the only one who determines if I am safe or not, when I am mySELF I am safe, there is no need for anything or anyone else, and that is what scares me. I am battling with the notion of not needing anyone but me, it goes deep, that belief that I need someone else there beside me to feel safe. From an environment perspective I needed the protection of adults when I was born and when I was young for my survival because I could not feed, change or clothe myself and that need was reinforced, if I don’t play by the rules I will be abandoned, left alone, been there and done that and I learned the game well. And now a new paradigm, a new game where there are no rules. I can never be alone because I always have mySELF, and I am old enough to be able t clothe and feed myself, yet I hold on to the notion of needing to be safe, to feel safe in the company of others. Just like before with the notion of not letting go to let mySELF fly is the notion of not letting go knowing I will be safe with mySELF. And like always with me it comes down to trust. Trusting mySELF fully. I know what I know, I see what I see and I hear what I hear and I don’t have to change my mind for anyone or because of anyone else because they see what they see and hear what they hear and know what they know and it does not have to be the same as me. How can it be, they are not me and I ma not them. I am only me. That is all I can be. I have to choose to cast aside the notion that I cannot be safe with mySELF. That no matter what anyone else thinks as long as I am connected to who I AM I am safe. And everything will unfold in a way that is right and perfect for me. I just have to remember to breathe.
Nothing is ever more than a conversation.
Louise LeBrun says
When I’m little, it’s easy. Just do what I’m told and trust that whoever is doing the telling is bigger, wiser and smarter than me.
Then I’m not little anymore. And I discover: it can be anything! It can be all of it! Yikes! NOW, I have to pay attention. I have to stay awake. I have to notice things and make choices because I want them. Unless, of course, it’s all too much and requires too much effort. In that case, I can surrender mySelf and do what someone else tells me – and pay the price for that because there is always a price.
There are moments when it’s exhausting and I think to myself: I want it all to just stop! I DON’T WANT to have to pay attention! I DON’T WANT to have to choose. I DON’T WANT it always to be ‘my fault’ and not have anyone else to blame! And then, I remember that I AM The One in my own life… let it all go… take a couple of big, slow, long deep breaths.. and let my body lead. In almost 20 years, it has never failed me.
Did I always know what I was doing? Not a hope! But the I that I AM always knew – even when I could not hear it, or feel it. All I had to do was trust it.
You really are not alone. And yes, it really is real.
Naomi Irons says
And here we are standing alone but together again. Lisa, every word you spoke resonated deep within me.
I was so culturally conditioned to ‘do’ because I was rewarded for following the rules and doing for others. Doing allowed me no space to ‘be’. I too have recognised the doing ‘being’ when it was convienient.
Things are moving fast and I said to Amy tonight…I had so much vibration in my body I felt as though I was going to take flight and I needed to ‘know’ how to land before I took off. But then I realised a baby bird does not ‘know’ how to land but it KNOWS it can land. My intellect truly is not my friend! Again rambling…maybe this one should be a blog!!
There is genius behind it all but when I recognise the genius it is time to step out from it’s shadow. Oh, it is time to step out from this shadow and into my light!
Lisa, I love the rumble in this ramble. I love your willingness to put yourSELF out there and go deeper into yourself and then out again.
Today I am reading a book in which a woman’s journey to herSELF is described as a labyrinth. I believe that as I discover who “I am”, the next step is to integrate this new vision with a new way of being in the world. This is where I am alone in good company. You are in good company, as am I.