I don’t know what is going on. I feel stalled. There is a feeling inside of me that I can’t quite understand, sort of a cross between nausea and anxiousness. I’ve been reading the posts of others and wondering where am I? On what side of the line am I standing? And I think I’m in the middle, like monkey in the middle, teetering on deciding which way to jump off. I’ve been listening to my body, wanting some signal as to what to do, and there has been nothing. Nothing until this morning with this odd feeling inside me. I can’t tell you how happy I am to have this feeling, because it means something is processing, something is moving. What do you do when there is nothing?
This is my holograph so I know I’m creating this, it’s like waiting for marching orders and not knowing what to do when nothing comes. Do I have such a desire for drama that when there is none in my life it becomes a craving, something that I must search out for to keep me busy and occupied? I feel like a fake, trying to be something I’m not. Still struggling with the notion that it can be this easy, one breath. And yet deep inside me I know that’s all it takes. One breath can change your world. It can change my world. It has changed my world. And there is still that part of the old me that is hanging on for dear life, not wanting to disappear. And she is called DOUBT. I can hear her so clearly, “you can’t do that!’ Who do you think you are? You’re going to get found out!” That’s it! I want to be found out! I want to be discovered, my friend Sheila said, ‘once it’s out there in the open no one can hold anything against you’. I am beginning to see the power in that. It’s when I start to hide, it’s when I start back down the road to the left side of the line that things start to get out of hand. And that is when my body reacts.
There is no need for it to talk to me when all is good, it’s when I decide to see, or think hmmmm maybe I can go back and no one will notice, HA, my body notices and tells me right away, NO WAY! Where did that get you before? I was unhappy, I was tired all the time I was not living. And now I’m happy, alive, full of energy, why would I want to go back?
I sometimes feel like I’m losing my mind, and it’s only when I start back down the road to the left side of the line, when all those crazy thoughts start to creep back in, and it’s okay to pause and be still, and to let that wash over and through me. To know that I can go into these dark places within me and know I will come out on the other side and I will have learned something about myself. God how quickly we forget. It’s like when I stop working out my body reverts back to the state I was at the beginning. This is slightly different in that, the experiences I have had have taught me I can handle it. And it is FEAR that makes me think otherwise. There is nothing in me that I can’t handle, in fact everything in me is there to be discovered, I’m the one that makes it a dark hole or deep cavern, building a story in my mind that it is something more than what it is, where I tell myself I have to run and hide. The signs have been popping up all over the place and I have been ignoring them.
How wonderful to have found myself and how wonderful that I have heard myself. My body is talking to me, even when it’s not saying anything at all. Okay I’m listening.
Wow…..this felt like I was reading my own thoughts. What comes up for me is how many times I will get a thought that says…no you can’t have this…..this is a pipe dream…its not reality…. get back here with the rest of the world….
and then I remember that this is it…..this IS what life is about…discovering that this all holds amazing sensations to feel…… and the best part….
we get to feel this now…as young women…..with our awareness… not as 80 year olds who finally had to let go becuase they couldn’t hold on anymore.