Today, January 26, 2012 I experienced Lisa Day. An experience I stepped into without knowing what was going to present, and, what I would discover. Unlike Decloaking and Living Authentically and Engaging and Awakening others, where I know what the expected outcomes are; knowing we are safe in our bodies and engaging in the family system conversation to free ourselves; Lisa Day was something different. I knew I would be standing on a new platform, I just didn’t know what shape or form that platform would take. What I discovered was my ‘undeclared truth!’ The BIG secret I still kept from myself, the one that kept me in check all this time. Best of all I was in the company of other women who I knew would not let me run or hide from mySelf.
So what did I discover? I’ll tell you what I knew first. I knew I told myself stories…lots of stories, and I had actually gotten really good at knowing when I was telling mySelf a story. One of the things I discovered today was how slippery I had become with myself in that. To discover my process of inquiry was actually a story…one that led me down a familiar path, with the same results. This is not a ‘bad’ thing. I have moved and shifted and my life has changed DRAMATICALLY and yet I am still not allowing the ALL of me to be in flow.
I discovered how I still moved cautiously through the game… learning and creating the rules along the way…being in control…there is that word again, control. In this new game there are no rules…not really. Today I was asked “What if you just played?” What? With no rules, with no instructions…making it up along the way? It reminded me of playing with my nieces over the Christmas holidays, they had no problems making up the rules for the games we played…as I was busy reading the rules someone else had created. For them they just wanted to play it the way they wanted…I wasn’t ready to see that yet. Now I see and understand the genius of my wanting to, needing to know the rules… I could then either choose to agree or reject them, however to make up my own rules…what if someone else doesn’t like them… and reject them…then are they rejecting me? That is an example of the story. How do I know? I just lived this…I changed the rules and now I live a different life, not better or worse just different and living my way.
The big word of the day ‘EXPECTATION,’ oh the stories I made up around that word. What others expected of me? Living up to the expectations of others, disappointing others, doing just enough to maintain the status quo but not too much to overwhelm. A good life? Yes. A life worthy of who I know myself to be? Not quite. The expectation I put on mySelf, being seen and or experienced as extraordinary, (story), oh the pressure. And yet being mad if no one noticed me in my ordinary moments.
Today I discovered the word continuum, it’s not a new word, I’ve heard it and used it before. Today however it ‘felt’ very different inside of me. I discovered the path between the two ends, that they are connected and that I don’t have to strive for them to meet and integrate.
Today I discovered that I can relax into just being me… in my ordinary, unique, one of a kind way and that I can play any game I want, any way I want and I don’t have to define the game, I CAN JUST PLAY!
Thank you for reading and/or listening…and now you are feeling…connected to the content? Agitated? A range of emotions you can’t quite put your finger on?
It was a wonderful day, on so many fronts! What stood out most, for me, was what a great joy it is for me to be in the presence of a woman who is so profoundly committed to herSelf that she is willing to move into those seemingly endless, dark and silent places, within. Without exception, it is in that place where our deepest secrets are kept that our greatest treasures are reclaimed. I witnessed that, today, in you.
I look forward to many more of these explorations. I know that with each, I become more of the truth of who I can become.
Thanks!
I have reclaimed so many aspects of mySelf in connecting with you, Lisa. You are a such a marvellous mirror for me. I look forward to further conversations and discoveries with you to come! Mahalo.
OH Lisa!
As you really really dive into the playing-without-rules way of living . . . after all, this is only day 2 . . . there’ll be no limits to the textures and colours of your games and they’ll be big!
I think it’s maybe similar to what Louise wisely suggested for me a while ago: why don’t I just live randomly. I found it quite a daring proposition to say the least. AND it changed my context for my life.
And as I read your text here now, the discovery I made about myself a while ago on my Lucy Day – AND you were there with me/us,came to mind. It was that, if the truth be told, I’m really just a happy little rich girl playing. And once it was out of my inner depths and into the daylight (and wow, was that a huge step to assimilate/integrate the shame and guilt that had come with that state), I was more than ok, I was relieved and delighted. I sense a bit of this in your words here.
Thanks for reminding me that we all play together, and without the control mechanisms in place, without the rules . . . i.e. randomly living. It’s a ticket to fuller aliveness and more, no?
I was as good as there with you yesterday, and especially now having read your blog here, now, I’m pretty sure I WAS part of your day . . . just as you are part of mine, now, today. Fun, eh?