Today, January 26, 2012 I experienced Lisa Day. An experience I stepped into without knowing what was going to present, and, what I would discover. Unlike Decloaking and Living Authentically and Engaging and Awakening others, where I know what the expected outcomes are; knowing we are safe in our bodies and engaging in the family system conversation to free ourselves; Lisa Day was something different. I knew I would be standing on a new platform, I just didn’t know what shape or form that platform would take. What I discovered was my ‘undeclared truth!’ The BIG secret I still kept from myself, the one that kept me in check all this time. Best of all I was in the company of other women who I knew would not let me run or hide from mySelf.
So what did I discover? I’ll tell you what I knew first. I knew I told myself stories…lots of stories, and I had actually gotten really good at knowing when I was telling mySelf a story. One of the things I discovered today was how slippery I had become with myself in that. To discover my process of inquiry was actually a story…one that led me down a familiar path, with the same results. This is not a ‘bad’ thing. I have moved and shifted and my life has changed DRAMATICALLY and yet I am still not allowing the ALL of me to be in flow.
I discovered how I still moved cautiously through the game… learning and creating the rules along the way…being in control…there is that word again, control. In this new game there are no rules…not really. Today I was asked “What if you just played?” What? With no rules, with no instructions…making it up along the way? It reminded me of playing with my nieces over the Christmas holidays, they had no problems making up the rules for the games we played…as I was busy reading the rules someone else had created. For them they just wanted to play it the way they wanted…I wasn’t ready to see that yet. Now I see and understand the genius of my wanting to, needing to know the rules… I could then either choose to agree or reject them, however to make up my own rules…what if someone else doesn’t like them… and reject them…then are they rejecting me? That is an example of the story. How do I know? I just lived this…I changed the rules and now I live a different life, not better or worse just different and living my way.
The big word of the day ‘EXPECTATION,’ oh the stories I made up around that word. What others expected of me? Living up to the expectations of others, disappointing others, doing just enough to maintain the status quo but not too much to overwhelm. A good life? Yes. A life worthy of who I know myself to be? Not quite. The expectation I put on mySelf, being seen and or experienced as extraordinary, (story), oh the pressure. And yet being mad if no one noticed me in my ordinary moments.
Today I discovered the word continuum, it’s not a new word, I’ve heard it and used it before. Today however it ‘felt’ very different inside of me. I discovered the path between the two ends, that they are connected and that I don’t have to strive for them to meet and integrate.
Today I discovered that I can relax into just being me… in my ordinary, unique, one of a kind way and that I can play any game I want, any way I want and I don’t have to define the game, I CAN JUST PLAY!