I created an experience for myself where once again I stood at the choice point. My greatest fear materialized…meaning it came into existence, into my world forcing me to do what I dreaded, face myself. And when it materialized I noticed immediately it was not the monster I had made it out to be in my mind. And I know that is because of where I stand with myself ‘today’. Six months ago, two months ago I am guessing I would have reacted differently…and I did not create this six months ago…well I did I was just not ready to claim it then.
So here I stood with what I had considered my greatest fear standing in front of me and with all the chaos that was rumbling around in my intellect I ‘chose’ to stay present to myself, to check in and honour what was moving or not moving inside of me. And in that moment I knew I am fully here, living inside of myself, fully living from an internally referenced state, knowing safety resides inside of me and that nothing outside of me can hurt me. This does not make me better or worse than anyone else it just makes me me. The stillness I have been experiencing inside of myself for the past two months is my strength, it is the force of who I AM and I have two sides. I am the force of chaos and the force of stillness at the same time. To stand in the stillness of myself when all else looks chaotic and to create chaos in others who are not yet willing to see what already sits inside of them.
This does not mean I do not feel. That was a fear too, maybe I don’t feel, I now know ‘feelings’ are just sensations of energy and information moving through my body offering me never ending opportunities to choose. To choose me, to choose to honour myself with myself and in the presence of others.
So here I stand present and solid in knowing who I AM, knowing that I create my world and everything in it and to own that. I dont’ have to blame anyone or look to lay fault I just have to choose differently and create something different that is more meaningful for me. I don’t have to hide from anyone anymore.