And there is always more. Since yesterday I have had a lot more rumbling around inside of me, I almost woke up early this morning to blog and didn’t. And then I had lunch with a friend and more has moved. More has come into my awareness on control and choice. While yesterday I wrote about the control of things/events/people, what I did not mention was the control I place on mySelf.
I used to be all about controlling mySelf, what I said, how I said it who I said it to. Afraid to offend, not wanting the need to defend, wanting to fit in. Always a bit of an odd duck and not quite. The need to control the feelings I was feeling inside of me, of not wanting to acknowledge the raw data, to supress what was ugly. To the degree where I created an evil part of me where I hid those feelings, where it turned into this monster I needed to keep under lock and key. And then Decloaking happened, and the monster was let out of the box, exposed, and then Engaging happened, and a new gateway was found, and now Manifesting is going to happen who knows what awaits me.
I stated yesterday that I am now living on the quantum side of the line, so for me that means that I have CHOICE. I now choose whether I acknowledge what is going on inside of me or not. To bury it or face it head on. To use the softness and nurturing that I was so used to giving away to others on myself as the lioness head roars. Balance. I was unbalanced… now for many that has a negative connotation as in being not quite right. And I wasn’t I had been suppressing the head of the lioness trying to replace it with… what I don’t know. So what is different now? Now I face mySelf head on, with all the rawness that there is and with the softness and caring that I also carry. I am whole.
I no longer feel the need to control mySelf, my feelings, my behaviour, my Being. I do choose to control my thoughts, for they are what takes me into places of distraction so that I don’t acknowledge what is going on inside of me, that fan the flames to distract me to a place that holds me back from growing, being more. And how do I do that. I breathe. I have been catching myself holding my breath, restricting the movement of air in any form that it wishes to take. I have to remind mySelf to breathe, so that I can clear my head.
In conversation today I thought, ‘do I not care?’ about what happens to people. No, that’s not it. I care deeply and I care enough about mySelf to not drown just because someone else wants to. I let go and I live so that others may live too. No more hiding my joy, my sorrow. Why? Why hide what I am feeling, good or bad, no need to apologize. I have been in control of the genie in the bottle, putting the cap back on when I begin to feel ahhh ahhh getting to big, too out of control… what is too out of control? What happens when a STAR explodes? is that not when other galaxies are formed. I feel it in my chest and my throat, a density, a heaviness a bit of burning on my right hand side. A shift in my beliefs perhaps in what I can accomplish, a choice point in my life to Be in the moment, to speak my truth, a slight pinching sensation in my back right shoulder, an old reminder of something buried in my past perhaps? I ( I had to type it three times to get the capital I) don’t care. I’m choosing differently. Choosing to explode, to create a new world for mySelf. I’ve never seen an ugly galaxy and have always felt a sense of wonder about those different to the one I live in.
Choosing CHOICE, living choice… life is fantabulous!
I love your words, “What happens when a STAR explodes? is that not when other galaxies are formed.” I felt some sense of relief with hearing that.
I’ve been moving through huges waves of information in various forms. Well, not true — anger, deep anger and sadness have been surging over the past few days, a week, from me.
Until just now, reading your words, my biggest fear is that my ‘explosion’ leads to destruction of everything around me. Somehow I see my truth is that this pressure, this intensity that I’m working so hard to contain is destroying me from the inside out. Well, not destroying exactly but it is keeping me exactly where I stood over 20 years ago. So what do I choose differently? Here it is, I suppose, talking with someone through writing, about my ‘big secret’. Next choice? To speak, through my lips that have been literally burning the past few days, to speak of this burning anger and sadness combined.
Thank you for creating space for me to choose differently. This means so much to me.
Thanks. That’s all. Still just being. Still trying to control, consciously or sub-consciously – myself, others, even if just through trying to help, show them the way.
Thanks for reminding me to breath.