Last night I emailed a friend and colleague to work out some logistics and in her response this morning she mentioned she is ‘waiting’ to see if anyone signs up for her event late in the afternoon. And I can’t begin to tell you the flurry of activity it set off in my body. I did breathe AND it was not enough since I had to prepare myself for a meeting with a client. So as I sit here now, having the time to really let the sensations move through me I am curious. What is it about the words or the idea of having to wait for someone else to make a decision to see if I can do something mean to me? Memories of being told to ‘wait’ to go to the bathroom if we were on a trip, to ‘wait’ my turn, to ‘wait’ until someone catches up all meaning for me to put my life on hold for someone else.
I am DONE with that. No more waiting. A ringing in my ears, no longer willing to wait to show up for my life. It’s all about me right? So what about my deadline, my cut off point, my line in the sand where I declare you have until this time to respond and then I am moving on?
Power struggle comes to mind… when I am willing to put mySelf in wait mode do I give the other person perceived power over me? So that now I am scrambling at the last moment to pull it all together? What takes so long to make a decision? I know in my body instantly if I want to do something or not, go somewhere or not, be with someone or not, the wait game is the time I give myself to convince myself whether I should or should not do something. Am I still willing to play that game? Another deeply held belief, truth that I was taught sooooo long ago.
What are we teaching our children when we say… you have to wait until your older for that, wait until your bigger or stronger? Are we even willing to let them try? How often do we marvel when those young beings do things that we consider well beyond their grasp, or so we presume adhering to the beliefs, values and attitudes that we learned as children.
I have to wait until I am credentialed, I say that, or I used to say that to mySelf a lot. I have to learn more, I have to have so many years of experience, who came up with that? There is a lot of fire energy moving through me right now and I am not ‘waiting’ for it to pass I am claiming it now! I am claiming my right to set a deadline and only change my mind if it suits me, because it’s the right thing for me.
Another layer discovered, another part of mySelf revealed, knowing I am now a different person. Thank you Sheila for your part in this new discovery of mySelf.