I am on the edge and ready to soar. I have no idea where I’m going to land and it doesn’t matter, there is something… something within me propelling me forward. I have slowed mySELF down just enough to complete my obligations. Funny it seems so stale to say that, to complete my obligations, since I know that the only person I am obligated to is mySELF. And I have made the choice any way, there is genius in that.
I’ve been talking to a few women lately, all of whom are bumping up against their edges, their sharp edges. I get it, I know what they are going through. Having to choose themselves over others. It’s not easy. It seems like a lifetime ago when I was there, to choose me, to trust myself, to let the chips fall, to allow mySelf to shine through, knowing the consequences might mean blinding some, which would cause them to move away, fall off my holodeck. It was and is a scary place to be because I was never taught to choose mySelf. I was taught to hide, to only allow parts of mySelf to shine through when it served the needs of others, rarely when it served my needs. And I continued on anyway, being pushed by mySELF because now I know.
I now know there is another way to be, and it is to just BE. To know I have nothing to prove to anyone. When I am shining brightly, being STAR, others have a choice, run away or put on some shades and bask in it, allowing, giving themselves permission for their STAR to shine through. I know the angst that accompanies choosing ME. The angst of, will my husband still love me? Will he leave? Will I still have any friends? Will people still like and love and accept me? Oh the drama I put myself through… and there was genius in that. The genius lies in the journey. To allow mySelf to wrestle with all those feelings, for the first time. For the first time I did not run away from them and I did not try to understand them. I breathed through them. A very different place to be, a very different way of BEING. And I am still standing, not alone, still with friends, still with my husband. Because those around me are comfortable with me being mySELF and for those who have fallen off my holodeck I know it’s not about me. What it has done is created space for me to BE with those who have decided to journey into themselves to find themselves and BE. I know I stand alone and I am not alone.
It is so easy and yet it is the hardest thing to do. To choose ME. Yet when I do, when I take that breath and let those sensations rumble around inside of me, when I let my body do what it does best I change, I grow, I become more. It is about experience and to experience growth I have to engage. And I am very clear, for me, to not engage, at the level of which I need to is to put mySELF to sleep and I now understand what it is to sleep with eyes wide open.
The struggle is part of the journey, the angst is journey, the uncertainty is the journey, the running and choosing to hide is the journey, and choosing to breathe through it all knowing I will come out just fine on the other side is part of the journey. How could that not intrigue me, I am an explorer journeying deep within to discover mySELF. Know thySELF now resonates with me. I am looking for those who are ready for that journey, ready to walk into the fire knowing they will not get burned. I trust mySELF. I am letting go of my intellect, of the figuring it out, of knowing the meaning, of answering the questions. I am more than the sum of my experiences, there is no story, there is no past, there is only NOW. I have just come through another wave. It feels like a hole has been opened in my chest, a new space has been created. I am different. I AM here.