Something is going on. And I don’t know what it is. All I know is that I can feel it in my body, the agitation, the restlessness, the need to speak, and again, about what, I don’t know. And I know that I have come to trust these feelings/sensations now, not knowing where they may take me. I met with some fantastic women yesterday, all willing to step outside of themselves, as they know themselves now, willing to take the journey to who knows where. And we talked about pressing up against our edges, to take the conversations where we are uncomfortable, and a thought ,do I do that? Where in my life do I not take the conversations where I am uncomfortable, where I stop just short of that mark, of not wanting to press that edge afraid of where it will take me, knowing it will take me to a new place of wonder to a new level of freedom, still afraid.
Still afraid to rock ‘my ‘boat, still afraid to be too big. There is a crevice I don’t want to go into, that I don’t want to see what is on the other side. And I know that in this moment there is genius in that. Is there? Really? Or is that just my fear rising up to keep me in check. I noticed I have not referred to mySELF in any part of this, is that because mySELF is not involved in this self conversation? That I have allowed my internal and external signals to run rampant, keeping ME silent. Only allowing mySELF to be big sometimes, in some places but not all the time, everywhere, because that would be too much. Lots of thoughts around my beliefs, values and attitudes rising up, feeling stuck, tying mySELF up in knots, having this feeling of not wanting to show up for my own life, ‘thinking’ how easy was it to be asleep, KNOWING all that gets me is nothing but pain.
I know I am not allowing mySELF to be visible to the one person I want to be most visible to, that I am still hiding, making mySELF fit into the smallest of spaces and it’s not working, I can no longer put mySELF into a small space and expect ME to stay there quietly. I have to keep expanding, growing finding new edges to press and at the same time there are some edges that I know are sharp and will be painful, or again is that my fear talking, holding me back because once I cross that frontier there will be no stopping me. I will be too big to ever be able to fit mySELF back into a small space. I know I’m rambling and I know I can feel things moving in me. I no longer have that sensation of blockage a piece of it has fallen away allowing me to breathe more freely.