Life has been taking shape for me over the last three months. It started with the huge wave that took place in Naomi’s Decloaking and living authentically in Halifax in September. The realization that came to me was I considered my Self not worth it. Not worth anyone’s time, effort, love, take your pick. And I thought, “how could I not know that?” How could I not know that is the belief that I carried inside of me when I have been on this intense journey of self discovery for the past two years?
My answer, to my Self is… only when I am ready to discover something will it emerge into my awareness. And it all makes sense, all of the strategies I had been running up to this point. Also realizing that the four year old was the one running the show. I have written about defiance and only now is it clear, the defiance I had with my Self… This past week-end we had our Affiliate gathering and the words/question that resonated through me “Am I willing to demand the life I deserve for my Self?” WOW… demand of my Self, immediately my intellect, the four year old takes over with “No one demands anything from me!” Not even me! There it is; the double bind, not only can no one outside of me demand anything from me I cannot demand anything of my Self either. So I remain in the same state, nothing really changes. Except for this time. This time I ‘see’ it. This time I recognize the strategy, this time I can take a breath and choose something different for my Self.
Shield’s up! That was how I operated… rarely did they come down for anyone and especially for me. The shield I created to protect my Self was now working against me. So how do I demand shields down when the very word demand just makes them stronger? As I discovered I can melt my shields. I can be gentle with my Self. I can allow the softer side of me to BE. And it happened, two days later in Huna, the shields came down, they melted away and, for the first time I gave mySelf hug from the inside out. The sensation was one of warmth oozing from within. And in that moment EVERYTHING changed. I am different. Do I have words to describe it? No, do I need words? No
Am I living a life big enough for the Godforce that I am… not yet… wait… yes I am… one breath at a time, that is all it takes. To demand what I deserve and now that I know I AM WORTH IT! And I DESERVE to have everything I desire for me to live a big life…and it may not look like what you think, because it’s my life and I’ll be living it big MY way! What do I demand of my Self? To live a meaningful and sustainable life, no more no less.