I’m not quite sure what I want to say. Something is rumbling around inside of me and I don’t have any notion of what to hang it on. There are certain phrases that have been coming into my awareness, “I don’t have the money,” “I don’t have the time,” “I can’t get the time off,” “I don’t have anyone to take care of my child.” “I have to think about it.” These are all phrases I have heard and experienced inside of me. Some cause me agitation in the form of frustration, anger and just plain despair. Despair because I know it’s not about any of it, and how is this about me? Because it’s always about me.
Where in my life am I creating distractions for mySelf, creating excuses of why I can’t do something? Where am I pulling on the brakes to stop my Self from expanding? Am I willing to not know and still trust my Self? Am I willing to let go of the notion of what I think something will look like based on what I know I know? Am I willing to let go into what I don’t know I don’t know? There, I’ve just taken a breath, hadn’t realized I was holding my breath until now. I can now allow my Self to relax into the sensation moving inside of me, one I am not willing to put a label on because I know it’s just information that the essence of who I am is giving to me. Ahhh another sensation, this one just on the back of the left side of my neck and now another on my the left side of my of my belly. Lots moving, and all I have to do is sit and breathe. No need to distract my Self, just be with it. No need to come up with an excuse, just tell my truth, to my Self and if I choose then to others. Always first to my Self.
I’m good at distracting my Self, good at making excuses when I am not paying attention, and my body knows and tells me right away, indicating to me I can choose differently even if the choice makes me uncomfortable, especially if it makes me uncomfortable, it’s only then do I know I have let go into the unknown and allowed my Self the chance to become more. That’s it.