And there is always more. Since yesterday I have had a lot more rumbling around inside of me, I almost woke up early this morning to blog and didn’t. And then I had lunch with a friend and more has moved. More has come into my awareness on control and choice. While yesterday I wrote about the control of things/events/people, what I did not mention was the control I place on mySelf.
I used to be all about controlling mySelf, what I said, how I said it who I said it to. Afraid to offend, not wanting the need to defend, wanting to fit in. Always a bit of an odd duck and not quite. The need to control the feelings I was feeling inside of me, of not wanting to acknowledge the raw data, to supress what was ugly. To the degree where I created an evil part of me where I hid those feelings, where it turned into this monster I needed to keep under lock and key. And then Decloaking happened, and the monster was let out of the box, exposed, and then Engaging happened, and a new gateway was found, and now Manifesting is going to happen who knows what awaits me.
I stated yesterday that I am now living on the quantum side of the line, so for me that means that I have CHOICE. I now choose whether I acknowledge what is going on inside of me or not. To bury it or face it head on. To use the softness and nurturing that I was so used to giving away to others on myself as the lioness head roars. Balance. I was unbalanced… now for many that has a negative connotation as in being not quite right. And I wasn’t I had been suppressing the head of the lioness trying to replace it with… what I don’t know. So what is different now? Now I face mySelf head on, with all the rawness that there is and with the softness and caring that I also carry. I am whole.
I no longer feel the need to control mySelf, my feelings, my behaviour, my Being. I do choose to control my thoughts, for they are what takes me into places of distraction so that I don’t acknowledge what is going on inside of me, that fan the flames to distract me to a place that holds me back from growing, being more. And how do I do that. I breathe. I have been catching myself holding my breath, restricting the movement of air in any form that it wishes to take. I have to remind mySelf to breathe, so that I can clear my head.
In conversation today I thought, ‘do I not care?’ about what happens to people. No, that’s not it. I care deeply and I care enough about mySelf to not drown just because someone else wants to. I let go and I live so that others may live too. No more hiding my joy, my sorrow. Why? Why hide what I am feeling, good or bad, no need to apologize. I have been in control of the genie in the bottle, putting the cap back on when I begin to feel ahhh ahhh getting to big, too out of control… what is too out of control? What happens when a STAR explodes? is that not when other galaxies are formed. I feel it in my chest and my throat, a density, a heaviness a bit of burning on my right hand side. A shift in my beliefs perhaps in what I can accomplish, a choice point in my life to Be in the moment, to speak my truth, a slight pinching sensation in my back right shoulder, an old reminder of something buried in my past perhaps? I ( I had to type it three times to get the capital I) don’t care. I’m choosing differently. Choosing to explode, to create a new world for mySelf. I’ve never seen an ugly galaxy and have always felt a sense of wonder about those different to the one I live in.
Choosing CHOICE, living choice… life is fantabulous!