The only words I had at the time was ALONE and By MY Self. Yet I was not lonely.
I have the privilege of being a part of a community that honours what each of us hears, sees and feel when in conversation with another. Sometimes when I am in conversation with another I hear something that invites the most subtle of sensations to move within me. Years ago I would have dismissed the sensation, now I pay attention. Now I know I am about to discover something new.
A week or so ago I had breakfast with a dear friend. We were catching up as I had not seen her in a while and we spoke of our adventures, family and such… Then I spoke about my recent experience. One that I still have no vocabulary for. It had been brewing for a month or two…from deep inside of me. The only words I had at the time was ALONE and By MY Self. Yet I was not lonely.
It began when I moved into my new place. Looking back now, I realize this was the first time, in my life I had moved somewhere that was all mine. I had no partner to share the load.
You see, I had moved from my parents home to live with my now ex husband. Together we built memories in various homes, culminating in the creation of our near perfect house. The one I sold in December. Now for the first time I found myself packing and moving all by myself. I had help from friends don’t get me wrong, however the experience was one in which I really had to rely solely on me.
My aloneness was EVERYWHERE …
After the initial dust settled I noticed that I was really aware how alone I was in the space. Funny, I lived in a nearly 3000 square foot home and rarely felt alone, and in this much smaller space my aloneness was EVERYWHERE. At least that is what I had labelled it.
So back to the conversation with my friend. I was describing what I had been moving through and the words I heard her say were.
We are conditioned to be chosen and when we are not there is a sense of aloneness.
Ahhh…there was resistance to hearing those words. What was she talking about? I chose mySELF all the time. But wait…it was not about choosing mySELF, it was about being chosen by another, and where I take myself when I feel I am not being chosen.
It happens to us from the time we begin to interact with others. We get chosen for teams in school, we get chosen to represent our school, district, family. We get chosen to to get into certain schools at certain levels…e.g. colleges, and universities. We get chosen by others to be their partners, friends, lovers etc…
Yet what happens when we are not chosen? Where do we take ourselves?
Often, in the internal dialogue of not being chosen we drop into ‘not good enough’, ‘not loveable enough,’ unworthy. Our society celebrates those that are chosen, and ignores those that are not. Or worse pities those that are not. As women we are conditioned to be chosen, by dressing and acting a certain way. YES…men experience this too, however since I am a woman I can only write from this perspective.
To be not chosen… there are so many INSTANCES …
When we are young, to be not chosen to dance at high school dances, to be not chosen as a date for the prom, not chosen to date, not chosen to love…the list goes on and on. It’s a hard one to let go of. It’s a place where alone is magnified and the intensity of it can be overwhelming. The intensity of the sorrow and grief associated with it can, at times be unbearable.
The human experience is about connection. Connection to SELF is number one. And yet, connection with another is also just as important. To connect with another in a deeply intimate manner, soul to soul, mind to mind, body to body. That is the ultimate. That is what we are driven to find as part of this journey. Some of us find it and lose it…some of us never have it…we all look for it.
Standing alone in this space is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. And yet… here I find mySELF, once again leaping into the unknown, to redefine inside mySELF… Chosen.
Until the next time…