Wow I must have a lot to say today… I haven’t blogged in a while and now I can’t seem to shut up. Louise LeBrun made a comment about how we tend to fixate on the ‘bad’ moments on my last post and it has been rumbling around inside of me all day. The question that has entered my awareness is what is a bad moment? When I first read the line I immediately focused on those moments where I have a disagreement with someone, or when I feel rejected or shunned or not loved or respected and internalize that I must have done something wrong. Knowing now that is all me projecting that inside of me.
And now I have a very different awareness coming to me, what about all those moments when I choose to turn in on mySelf? When I just feel like being ‘down’ where I get some sort of perverse joy from being down or moody. All nominalizations that capture the feeling of solitude and loneliness. Of closing the walls all around me so that I can say, see I am all alone, no one cares. Playing out a habituated behaviour I learned and witnessed so long ago. A belief, a truth that I carry, carried, that this is part of who I am. Everything is coming together. I needed to write those two other posts and witness the reactions of others to get to this point. I am brilliant. Another layer coming to the surface ready to be peeled away and discarded. That is not who I AM. That is who I thought I had to be, that is who I thought I had no choice but to be. And that is NOT MY STRATEGY. That is a strategy I picked up and claimed as my own.
I have been expressing a ‘bad mood’, I have been moody, with my husband. What has he done? Nothing. I know this and yet I persisted, and I knew it was all about me, I couldn’t figure it out until this very moment. This is the strategy, the game I saw played out when I was growing up. This is not who I AM and this is certainly not who I want to be. And I get to CHOOSE. I have been out of alignment with mySelf because this aspect has been playing itself out in the background. Uping the ante with mySelf, forcing me to look in the mirror to see what I see, to see me.
The I AM that I AM is moving downward, breaking up the mortar that has surrounded my chest, moving back up so I can exhale and be different. The tightness is gone, I am feeling unbelievably light, years of something has been removed, metabolized, integrated and processed. I am a different person now. THANK -YOU to all of the aspect of me who moved through this with me.